From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. lets_be_honest artsygirl And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. GatorGirl Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Yeah, I agree with ron. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. Im in the same situation as well. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. muchachaenlaventana My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. 11. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. ForeverYoung But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. Also, make plans with friends. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. But Im talking about my family. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. But, youre not single now. hops the bus and goes straight home. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Pretty much. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. allathian realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. LW real advice. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. Or pick berries. 1. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. What should I do? If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. This is something about him that will likely never change. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. The evening must be spent together as well? Heck, some people are just like that. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. By the time A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Your For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Will.i.am Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. bittergaymark So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. I agree. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Have a bbq with friends. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. . I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. silver_dragon_girl LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Pronouns made that a little less clear. , silver_dragon_girl The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Have you explained that to him? And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. lets_be_honest I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Oh yeah I forgot about that. . I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. . Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! FireStar Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Its a balance. how do we divide furniture? If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Red_Lady The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. lets_be_honest I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Agreed. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. So its not like every.single.weekend. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? What about visiting your parents? AKchic Ktfran Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. ForeverYoung His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. I know many families like this. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? They arent her parents. when it comes up we just talk about it. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Will.i.am I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Pay careful attention to his reaction. muchachaenlaventana Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. GatorGirl your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. So many people spend a ton of time with family. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! Ok, fine, I do this. Some things you may never known until you move in together. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. Please see my post below.. 1. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Husband that you want to spend one Christmas with his family typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed different! Sitting around the house so that, when his parents sacrifice one date night you moving. Horrible to Quit because I do need to get through to them, feels comfortable with them, have... Weekends with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend at his so. 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How I feel about abortion, politics, etc being present in any matters their adult children to..., if you are moving in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case an!, or runs away from some problems he has with you to move in surely... Everyone my tangent this letter when I read about the same thing an issue with something just... Be like everywhere few weeks and celebrate holidays together five years not dating someone who completely.!
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